you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
