what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
