well I can't set my house on fire every night
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
