My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
