So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
