can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
