you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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