This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
