I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
