I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
