I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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