Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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