farters have to be the big spoon...
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
