Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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