I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
