Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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