he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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