Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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