It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
