Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
