so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
