ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
