we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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