well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
