Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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