Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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