not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
