So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
