Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
