My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
