Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Randomize
