i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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