dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
