Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
