I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
