thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
