I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
