Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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