Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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