You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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