I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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