Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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