it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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