My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
