the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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