accomplished twins. life is a go
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Are we still banned from the library?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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