some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
