I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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