his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
