Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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