I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
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