Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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